something has been bothering me. the other day i told someone that "i want to slack all during the month of june", but that's not really the case. what's really going on has been going on all winter and spring, a continued cleaning out of the house, sorting through old stuff, watching movies and getting rid of some, reading, healing, making decisions. the fact that i'm not producing much in the way of tangible results is the difference between what i used to think was 'effective' use of time and 'slack'. or, in other words, an old measure of time well spent was an accumulation of finished crafts or sewing projects. household chores don't count in that approach.
all of this explanation because i said something off-handed, not having defined why i am taking this time for the preceding and to travel, so that i'll start a new undertaking in july, but not before. last summer i found myself in a fairly happy chain of events where i met some new and interesting people, but then joined a group that required its members to participate in as many events as possible, most of which involving the selling of the groupmembers' wares. partly from obligation, but partly because i wanted to support, i agreed to participate constantly. by the end of the year i realized that i hadn't traveled at all, and that had worn on me; i felt trapped by my own passivity.
there have been obligations in other ways in my life, as well. silently but strongly, my parents managed to steer me to get involved in the family business, and here i sit today, still involved. i am less invested than before, but the pull still exists. over time i resist it more and more. some of the opinions i was encouraged to have of myself are shedding (thankfully), simultaneously.
so now it's become obvious that a major theme, a major lesson that i must learn is about obligation. at what point do i decide what is truly right for me? i've had a history of supporting many good things, but perhaps so much so that it's been a detriment. it fascinates me to hear people's stories of why they do the things they do for others....can altruism come successfully before attending to the self? and then in the case of people who become parents......that is so much selflessness that i cannot imagine the enormity. even so, one must take care of oneself.
but anyway. the month of june is my birthday month, and i'm gonna celebrate, damn it. i'll be in charleston SC for the first time ever on my birthday, come hell or high water. i'll be 38, which i consider to be a magic number.
