I would sit for hours in front of a blank page and just HURT......so much because it was all INSIDE, Locked so deep down and for all my efforts and attempts, I couldn't I just could NOT do it...but one day, at some point, I just took my chances and said what I felt and how I felt it and be Damned how it came out or how it was placed..
I had NO One to turn to. And of those I should or would have been able, well...here is what happened....
Before I begin, I want anyone, You reading this to know .....Right! So, I must have been about 8 but I don't remember and I finally got my jaws unwired and I had Horrific Night terrors, I already had eating disorders and was an emotional Basketcase!!
I had around Five? Six *Families* that had come and gone out of my life...I was still being shuffled back and again because of my TB and America said I was not allowed to stay but could come for a year???? Right! I know.... I know...
I wrote to my pending Adoptive Mother, she had gone off the bend and it was the FIRST time she had ever in any capacity, hurt me and she had drawn First Blood...
I wrote *When I was a Child*...now, I don't know what 8 year olds can or can't know or remember or else, but I opened my Soul and Heart and poured it all out and for that....My Mother was CONVINCED, I was CRAZY and a Liar.
I just remember how much and how many ways I was Hurt.
It would be Years, until I was an early teen ager a Tween, before I ever wrote again and when I did, I kept it all secret. I kept everything that was anything secret. Or so I thought, but without my actually knowing and yet my *feeling it*, I was in fact being spied on I was in fact being watched and every single thing I did when I was alone from singing to my Teddy Bears, Day dreaming about the Blokes on my bedroom walls the Posters of the Blokes that filled up my little Tween age Heart, the growing, all of it was being shared but I did not know...I simply FELT it and when I spoke out I was always the one that was CRAZY.
There She was, my (Mother)...aka...Adoptive Parent..standing in the Middle floor Loo and she was surrounded by notebooks, papers, it took me one Sick moment to realise she was reading my PRIVATE thoughts and feelings. She mocked me, read them out loud, wanted to have my *Brothers and Sisters* (aka ...Adoptive Brothers and Sisters) hear it all.
I wanted to DIE.
Many Years later, I took a chance and started to reach out again..and this time the Children I was Babysitting with, decided because I would not allow them to have Ice cream on his Bleedin Pizza that he would BURN my Book and book it was, I found I had sat down and out poured 13 un ending Chapters of everthing , every memory, every thought, feeling, every ounce of Hurt I ever felt had been drained onto those pages and I Loved it....for the way I turned my Phrases, the way I spoke and what came from Me was quite Brilliant, really and then I stood there in frozen pain a hurt so bad, it Paralysed me. Watching my Life, my Words, My Feelings, My Heart My TRUTH Burning up in a fire because some Bratty, Pre Schooler decided for me it was Rubbish and destroyed my All...
I remember You, and I Hope You at least think about what You did it was a massive turning point in my Life.
I couldnt let it go again. EVER for AGES and AGES and even today, I struggle and abuse my own self for not being able to recall THEIR truth for me. How can I ever re write my Life again and again?? Each time now, I feel like I am in a fog, what was the Truth, whos truth and it never comes from me the way it had.
So, I Begin, AGAIN
I Recall THIS:
The Bunk Bed Squeaking above me, a tiny, restless form, leaning over the side and with long, Ebony Black hair cascading everywhere, she spoke to me saying she was *My Sister and Welcome to a place they call America*........it was all NEW to me.
My adjustment into this family and into America was riddled with so many Hospital visits and illnesses and injuries, It could never be told twice.
Her Name the gave to her was ...........Right! Now, I don't think I have the right to name her so I will call her Jane.
Jane and I were evidently, watching the Telly and she started asking me about *Memories* she evidently, had and how they compared to mine. Well, lets see...
Jane was talking about walking out into water and having on these odd sounding shoes that made a particular sound when wet, she was retelling of how afraid *WE* were, of snakes, Water Snakes at that and how WE, ate this or that and I was quite puzzled. I recalled NO such things and in fact, the very Trees, the indiginous animals, scenery, everything was so completely different from mine.
I had eating disorders, I found American food to be intollerble and it took me Years to be able just to eat the simplest of things...Jane ha stories about everything, from the things I ate to the things I was afraid of. But none of them were MINE!!!
I Remembered the Ivy and the Sea, I remembered things like the Fried Fish I Loved and the Lovely accents and even the colours for a small Child like me were not the ones Jane described. Was it then possible, We *Could* very well have been Sisters, but raised in two Completely Different places if not, Two DIFFERENT COUNTRIES even!!!
But of course, the only one that thought or felt this way was Me. But now, that I stand alone, Now that the last of my Adoptive and pre Adoptive Familes have left me in Death...there is NO One to tell me MY TRUTH anymore.
THIS is MY Story, My TRUTH....
and I will continue when I can
B